found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We have so much sex to catch up on
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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