Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
