I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
