Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
