I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Who died my cat blue again?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
