Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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