Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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