As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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