me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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