remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
