my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
