You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
