I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
