the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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