I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
