I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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