I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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