This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
