you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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