guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
