Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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