return my video game
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
