***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
