you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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