I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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