Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
