I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
