I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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