I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
