Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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