No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
