I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
