The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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