Who did Billy Mays play for?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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