did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
