I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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