New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
