the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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