There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
