hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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