it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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