then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
