im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
