Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
