I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
