I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
