Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
