sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
