Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
