I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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